Summer Wardrobe Malfunction

12 May

I realize we’re still a weeks away from the official beginning of summer, but here in Iowa, it feels like summer, so I’m saying it is!  When the sun comes out, and the temperatures rise, a dramatic change happens in me.  Sure, my mood improves, my acne goes away (more or less) I have more energy etc, but I’m talking about clothes here, people.  Without fail, during the summer months I suddenly become very aware of what type of clothes I’m swaddling myself in.  During the winter I was content to shlub around in yoga pants and Hawkeye gear, but now when I’m leaving the house the first thing I think about is what I’m going to wear.

It’s one of my few vanities; my tan.  Leaving the house in the middle of a sunny day regardless of what my final destination is means I’m going to work on my tan.

As the old adage goes, you need the right tools for the right job.  If I had it my way I would just run around in my tankini top all summer and call it a day.  But polite society doesn’t necessarily feel that me getting my tan on is more important than, say, dressing appropriately from day to day.  Wearing a skimpy halter top to the animal shelter to hang out with attention starved kitties is just about the equivalent of me offering up my neck to a bunch of thirsty vampires.  The cats I work with are violently affectionate, and they often go for the throat.  Likewise, wearing a hoochie-mama spaghetti strap tank to the 13th president of Grinnell College’s inaugural address is less than appropriate.  Even though I’m not exactly affiliated with the college, I was there to make Eric look good, so I behaved myself and wore a simple black sheath dress instead.  Which leads me to my point about a wardrobe malfunction.

Actually, it’s more like a tanning malfunction, and something that, after years of being finicky about my summer skin, has become my old standby.  Your first burn will stay with you all summer.  At least for me.  If you aren’t into fake-baking or spray-on tanners, you will always have a shadow of your first tan lines.  So, last weekend, when I was busy making Eric look good to alumni and board members, I was wearing a 3/4 sleeve boat neck dress.  It was a hot sunny day.  We were outside all day, albeit under a crab-apple tree, but that still led to a funky burn on my shoulders.  Also, I was wearing my sunglasses because who wants to stare at a stage for two hours in the bright summer sun without some sort of shield?  My forehead, nose and ears were burned, so now I have reverse raccoon eyes.

In an effort to combat this, I’ve been spending a considerable amount of time sitting in what will soon become my tomato patch, basking in the sun wearing as little as possible while still being polite to our elderly neighbors.  I’m taking one for the team, really, I swear!  And that’s where I’m headed again today.  Now the only question is, should I go with the halter top, tube top, or the spaghetti strap tank?


2 Responses to “Summer Wardrobe Malfunction”

  1. aurora May 13, 2011 at 6:32 am #

    I want a picture of the raccoon eyes! I remember years ago my friend Sara fell asleep in a tanning booth (prepping for her sister’s wedding) and had THE most amazing raccoon eye tan I have ever seen….guessing you have just about alleviated yours already ;->

    • fdcarlso May 13, 2011 at 1:44 pm #

      I think the raccoon eyes are gone for now… it helps that wearing badass glasses distracts from how pale the skin underneath them is 🙂

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