Pear on Legs

4 Mar

I’m wrestling with the “Old Fawn” today.  No, not the woman I will be in 50 years, (God, I wish I could talk to her) the girl I was ten years ago: Anxious, needy, despondent, vindictive, wrathful and steeped in cynicism.  I really really really wanted to write a blog like this:

It was a drizzly morning in March.  The alarm started bleating well before the sun touched the sky-not that it would at all that day.  She rolled out of bed feeling achy and groggy.  Her first sight was not a pleasing one.  A giant white dog was taking a crap in their front yard.  She chuckled to herself.  Animals look funny when they are doing their business.  But was this an ill omen?

I thought this would be an awesome setup for the bad morning I was convinced I was going to have since I was tired and feeling worn out.  Here’s the thing:  This week I’ve been pushing myself with my workouts.  I’ve been swimming my ass off for a month now and I don’t feel like I’m seeing any results.  Every day I lug my 200+ pound body to the pool on campus.  I don’t actually know how heavy I am because I’m not brave enough to step on a scale.  I don’t like to admit it, but it makes me anxious to even go to the pool.  I look down at the deck through the windows of the building every day to muster my courage.  Some days are easier than others, especially if there is no one in the pool to begin with.  At first, my attitude was positive and strong:  If people wanted to judge me, let ’em.  At least I’m trying.  But inside, I’m still that scared little girl who wants people to love her.  When I start to get tired in the pool it’s the worst.  I start to focus on how my body is just slogging through the water.  I can’t keep my head underwater for long or I start to gasp, and I start to feel pitiful.  I know I’m making progress.  I can tell I am becoming stronger, but the only person who sees me on a daily basis is Eric and I don’t think he’s ever made a negative comment about my weight, even when I’m packing it on.  And here’s where the fight between my two selves starts to rear its ugly head.  Some days I’m just plain tired of being this cheerful, perky, self inspiring person.  I want to blog like this:

Only a block away from the athletics building, her mind was wandering.  She was thinking about the chickadees chirping through the rainy haze, how her shoes made a hollow thumping noise as she walked.  By the time she noticed the stout stick, her left foot was rolling over it and it was too late.  Pain stabbed up her calf as her ankle rolled too.  Hopping back and forth, she managed not to cry out or to swear loudly.  She remembered the white dog as she limped along, desperate to finish the task she had set out to accomplish.

I’ve always been an introspective kind of gal.  I’ve always been able to examine both sides of the coin.  I made a conscious decision several years ago to use this skill to always see the positive side of things, to be able to move on with my life and not dwell on negativity as I used to.  Sometimes though, I just don’t want to.  Sure, I swim over a mile a day during the work-week, and I do over an hour of yoga every day except for Saturday.  But I haven’t changed my eating habits much.  I don’t believe in diets.  They lead to eating disorders and ultimately do nothing for the ego.  The body and mind need those calories, and you can be thin but weak too.  I want to be strong and healthy.  Also, I love to eat and cooking is something my partner and I really enjoy doing together.  I don’t eat fast food anymore, we eat out maybe two or three times during a week, and about half the time we do vegetarian meals.  So I feel like I have healthy eating habits– I am in love with vegetables since I started growing my own, I bake whole wheat bread, and I even force myself to eat a piece of fruit now and then.  I don’t drink anymore, so goodbye empty calories, and yet I still feel like a giant pear on legs when I look in the mirror.

Maybe it’s the rain, or the feeling that spring is just around the corner, but no matter how hard I look I just can’t see it.  I’m starting to feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  It feels so good just to sink into that negative mind-set, but in some corner of my brain a tiny voice is screaming “DON’T DO IT!  YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!”  And even as I reread this, it’s making me chuckle, thinking, “Damn, ‘giant pear on legs’ that’s great imagery.”

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2 Responses to “Pear on Legs”

  1. ajgunter March 4, 2011 at 11:19 am #

    Pear on Legs?? LOL! You DO NOT look like a pear on legs, but I completely understand the dual personalities warring and working hard and not seeing progress. We’ll get there, we just have to work together and not let a rainy day bring us down.

    Great post BTW, I always loved your writing style!! 🙂

    • aurora March 4, 2011 at 4:26 pm #

      Yes, great imagery, you could do a wonderful illustration of the Pear On Legs, sort of like the hut of the baba yaga thing…..

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